So Long Cruel World
by Lost Lantean
Summary: Of course there were explanations but in the end it didn't matter at all. She was gone, she had stripped him of all his defenses, tore his heart out and left.


Jeremy typed through tear filled eyes, stopping occasionally to wipe his eyes. The mistakes were going to have to stay, he had neither the eyesight nor inclination to go back and try to fix things. One side of the war within him said she wasn't worth the effort anyway. She being Aelita, who had simply disappeared one day and left him with a email saying sorry, but I will never talk to you again. Of course there were explanations but in the end it didn't matter at all. She was gone, she had stripped him of all his defenses, tore his heart out and left.

He looked up from the laptop and saw the late fall day. The cold wind blew past him, ruffling his jacked and stinging his wet cheeks. Light snow fell around him and the scene might have been picturesque in another context. Perhaps it still was but on the other hand he doubted that Aelita would really want a picture of what was to come. Maybe she deserved it though.

Friends - you get to know them then they just leave. That had been her quote, her explanation. She would always remember me. Jeremy scoffed. So much of him wanted to forget about her, throw away all the memories of good times. The feelings he held and enjoyed all the more in thinking they were mutual. Now... The callous nature of her disappearance had to make him wonder, was that her intention? Did she slip through all his defenses just to leave him vulnerable so she could do this?

It was enough to make him wish he had never met her at all. Life had been lonely and boring, with the usual sources of entertainment yielding less and less. Then he'd found her and despite needing to fight, to save her life meeting her was the best thing to happen to him. She had opened up to him and in turn he'd opened up to her. It bred a closeness and companionship that he'd never before experienced. Until that day. And now it seemed the loss was all there was, the emptiness of having no one left with such a connection. Whether it was worse to never have known that or to have had it and lost it was tilted towards the love and lost thing being worse.

Maybe though, that really was the way of the world, other's had cycled through friends after all. The problem wasn't in other's though, it was himself. He had never been one to make friends easily and quite simply never fit in very well with groups. Most of the people who'd come and gone though his life had never gotten through to him so effectively and none had ever gotten so much trust from him before. Even Yumi, who'd been such a nice friend so such a long time, didn't hurt him as badly when they had gone their separate ways. Aelita though, her memory served as both a blessing and curse.

After all, if it had happened once it could happen again. If he could just find another place to look that wasn't steeped in her memory. On the other side, there was no rhyme or reason to the goodbye and it was every bit as, if not more, likely to happen again as finding a companion like her was. How many times could he ride that wave? Most people had other friends to help them through things like this. He had no one else to rely on and no hope left which is what brought him here now.

His email sent, Jeremy programmed two more tasks into the laptop then lifted himself off the ground and headed into the house. In a way, he hated to use Aelita's home this way but it was abandoned and thus no one else would be put into danger. Climbing the stairs he walked the upstairs hallway and past Aelita's old room to the unused spare bedroom. There he connected his laptop to the rig he set up and opened the valve on the gas cylinder connected to the robotic valve. With one more sad look at the laptop's screen he traced the outline of Aelita's picture with his finger then set the computer down and turned to the sleeping bag. With a trembling hand he took out the sleeping pills and put a couple into his mouth. A swig from the bottle of water he'd brought and he knew the beginning of the end had started.

The dose of medicine was precisely calibrated to put him out quickly. He wouldn't have to think about what was going to happen anymore. There would be no way to back out and his end would be peaceful and painless. It was a somewhat pleasant thought as he laid down and zipped up the sleeping bag and laid his head down on the pillow. Closing his eyes he briefly considered what was going to happen. In an hour and a half the computer would open the valve and let the carbon monoxide spill into the room. His sleeping body would be starved for oxygen and shutdown without ever waking him. He'd be dead in under half an hour. The computer would alert Yumi six hours after the time of his expected death. By then the CO gas would be gone and the area would be safe.

A final memory of singing a song together with Aelita brought a bitter smile to his lips as he fell asleep for the last time. The thought that he would never hurt like this again offered some extra comfort. The hope that Aelita would have a good life was his last conscious thought. He never did hear the hissing noise of the pressurized gas escaping it's container to smother out his once promising life. Nor did he hear Yumi's hysterical crying as she listened to his recorded message.

Author's note: Yes, Commando Wolf, if you read this you are the inspiration behind this story. I'm not sure whether I want you to respond or not. Either way I had to write this out and I had to say it. It sounds bitter and selfish and that's just the way it is I guess. For what it's worth I take some measure of comfort in thinking I actually helped you over the few months we were friends.

As for me, you don't have to worry about me attempting suicide, I'm not that far gone.

"It is up to them to do the same- befriend the lonely people who build a fortress around themselves. You just might be able to save a life in a way you wouldn't have expected." Or you could end up taking one.

I realize I should have never let you become someone who meant so much to me. I doubt I'll be the only one with that flaw you ever encounter - try to be a little more gentle the next time.


End file.
